There is so much stuff out there. We have access to a wealth of entertainment. We have plenty of food at any grocery store. We can communicate with people we know faster than ever before.
Yet, many of us still have a void inside us. We are frustrated. We are lacking something in our lives. And if we can find that missing something, we will be happy.
But we hear countless stories of people who have it all, like celebrities, who are gravely unhappy. Some were so unhappy that their destructive habits resulted in early death, such as Whitney Houston, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson, Chris Farley, and Jimi Hendrix.
So, is happiness dependent upon what you accomplish in life? Or how much do you have?
Here are five truths nobody ever told you about happiness.
Truth #1: Learn to Surf
For this first truth about happiness, I’m borrowing a quote from Jon Kabat-Zinn, a professor of medicine at the University of Massachusetts.
You can’t stop the waves from coming, but you can learn to ride them.
This quote refers to our lack of control in life. If you think about it, we have control over very little. Suffering and depression occur when we try to control things we can’t.
- Have you ever tried to control
- What do other people think about you?
- How do your children behave?
- How do your employees perform?
- This month, how much revenue has your business generated?
- The speed with which your body recovers from an injury?
You can influence these things, but ultimately, you have no control over the outcome.
That’s when you learn to surf. Life hurls waves at you—some big and others small. So, the actual question is whether you can learn to ride it rather than rejecting it.
Can you adapt?
Here’s an example from my personal life. I love basketball, but when I hit my 30s, I developed knee and back problems. And after every game, I felt like a gang pulled me into a back alley and beat me up.
So, to heal, I decided to take a break from hoops.
During that break, I signed up for martial arts. The form of martial arts I chose is gentle on the body. I got a great workout, learned something new, and built camaraderie with the other students. Best of all, I wasn’t hurting myself.
I realized that I loved basketball: the workout, the learning, and the camaraderie. Martial arts met these core needs. And as long as those core needs were satisfied, I was happy.
That’s learning to surf. Adapting. You don’t know how big the waves will be, but you know you can adjust when they come at you.
Truth #2: Healthy Brain = Happy Mood
Even though much of our body is still a mystery, science has proven our moods and sense of well-being are intimately connected to our physical health. Our brain is a magnificently complex organ with a chemical factory that works hard to keep you in a good mood. But if even one chemical is out of balance, it might cause a chain reaction, resulting in anxiety or depression.
Here are some helpful tips for keeping your brain in excellent condition.
Sleep for more extended periods
We often sacrifice sleep to get everything done in our stressful lifestyle. And I understand that getting extra sleep every night isn’t always possible. But our brains love sleep because it recharges the chemical factory.
Everyone preaches you should sleep 8 hours a night. On the other hand, the ideal amount differs from person to person. You’ll have to experiment to figure out how much sleep you require. You’ve won the jackpot when you wake up feeling energetic and don’t feel sluggish during the day.
If you can’t get more sleep on a nightly basis, at least give yourself one day a week to sleep without waking to an alarm. If you have small children, make a deal with your spouse that you each get one morning a week to sleep in while the other tends to the children.
Keep harmful drugs to a minimum.
Drugs like heroin and meth screw up your brain. However, overuse of recreational medications damages it too.
For example, I enjoy alcoholic beverages. Sometimes in excess. A couple of years ago, I noticed I felt depressed after a night of liberal drinking. For a long, I couldn’t figure out why, considering my life was going smoothly. Then I realized my hangover also resulted in unbalanced brain chemistry. It took a couple of days for me to feel normal again. That hangover depression was enough to decrease my drinking, and I feel much happier.
Take medication if you have to
Sometimes, there’s just something wrong with your brain’s chemical factory. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t produce the right balance of chemicals, no matter what you try. So, you often feel anxious or depressed.
Doctors call this clinical depression and treat it like a disease. (Although it’s a disorder. A germ probably isn’t causing your depression.)
In this case, a trip to a psychiatrist may be your best answer. You can always try natural remedies for anxiety or depression as an alternative. If you think you might be clinically depressed or have an anxiety disorder, seek professional help as soon as possible.
Truth #3: Perfection is Bad
Pursuing perfection is an evil, horrible, terrible, disgusting goal. Why? Because nothing is perfect in this world. Nothing.
Perfection is an impossible goal to achieve. If you spend all your energy trying to construct the perfect future, life will pass you by. Moreover, you will constantly disappoint and criticize yourself for not achieving your idealistic goals. That’s not a formula for happiness.
The desire to be perfect is not your fault. It’s bred into our society. Just look at the media. It bombards us with images of beautiful, successful people. We idolize wealthy actors, athletes, and CEOs.
It’s all an illusion, though. We forget that even the wealthy and famous are human. They have to battle personal demons day after day, just like you.
I’m not suggesting you decrease your standards or ignore your life goals. But there’s a massive difference between good and perfect. Work toward a good and happy life, not a perfect one.
Once you let go of the need to be perfect, you will feel happier.
Truth #4 Conflict is Good for Happiness
The conflict between two people is the only way to reveal the truth and lead to positive change and growth.
An example:
Each Friday, a coworker always brings you a homemade treat, like a cupcake. It’s a nice gesture, but you’re trying to diet. You don’t want to insult a coworker by rejecting their offer, but you must also reduce weight. So you avoid conflict.
You may throw it away, give it away, or if it’s been a long week, you eat it. Each time, however, it causes a little anxiety. What if she catches you giving it away? Or, if you eat it, you feel bad about cheating on your diet. You may even resent your coworker – if she didn’t tempt you, you wouldn’t have cheated.
Resentment and anxiety are not the paths to happiness.
So, one day, you decide you must tell your coworker that you can’t eat her treats.
I define conflict as the path to long-term happiness. In the short term, conflict is scary. Sometimes, emotions spin out of control in the heat of conflict, and insults fly. One or both people feel hurt. It’s not a happy feeling.
But once the dust settles, actual change and growth happen, almost always for the better.
So, one day, you muster some courage and tell your coworker that you’re on a diet, and while you appreciate her kindness, you can’t accept her treats anymore. She’s a little disappointed initially, but she understands. She respects your decision.
Of course, not all conflicts end rosy, like my example. Change is hard. However, over the long term, you will be happier.
Truth #5: Remove “should” from Your Vocabulary
The word “should” often causes unhappiness, especially when thinking about your past.
Do these sound familiar?
- I should have gotten that promotion.
- I should have studied harder for that test.
- I shouldn’t have eaten all those cookies.
- I shouldn’t have been late for that crucial meeting.
When looking back on your past, stop judging yourself so harshly. You’re human. You make mistakes.
Mistakes are unavoidable, and they’re the best teachers. Each time you make one, be grateful. It’s an opportunity for growth. And the next time, try to learn from your mistakes and improve your performance.
Then, you might catch yourself saying:
I should have learned from that last mistake.
A myth says you should (see, there’s that word again).
Just because you make a mistake doesn’t mean you learn from it immediately. You might repeat the same mistakes repeatedly if you need to be more careful. You might make dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of the same mistakes until you learn from them. That’s all part of being human too.
Happiness stems from accepting that you make mistakes and realizing that every human does.
When you eliminate “should,” you allow yourself to stop dwelling in the past. Because once they invent the time machine, the past can stay the same. “Should” causes regret and resentment. It weighs you down with negative thoughts.
Once you free yourself of the “shoulds” and “should not,” you begin to live in the present.
Final Thoughts
As you can see, happiness is influenced by how you interact with the outside world. It’s not about checking off every box on your to-do list. Joy is also about something other than accomplishing what you think you should do or what other people want you to do. (See Truth #5 again for a refresher.)
Making a better life for yourself will make you happier, but there’s a delicate balance between reckless and healthy ambition.
FAQs
What is the truth of happiness?
Real and enduring happiness comes from embracing inner peace and accepting both ourselves and the people in our lives. Inner peace frees us from stress, concerns, and sorrow.
Is the truth more important than happiness?
Most people chase after happiness before they really start looking for the truth. It’s like happiness takes the front seat, and only after you’ve got a good dose of it do you start craving the truth. In simpler terms, happiness usually gets the spotlight as a priority for most folks, but once they’ve had their share of happiness, the hunger for truth kicks in.
